Posting pictures of my drawings on Facebook and getting "likes" from my most respected and favorite art teacher make my day. And give me hope that maybe I am good enough to have an art career. :)

Don't forget I also have a tumblr which I seem to update more than this livejournal. I put more fun stuff in my tumblr and more serious stuff in here. So yeah. Check it out if you want, and if you have a tumblr you should let me know so I can follow you. :)

I haven't written in my journal since I was in Arkansas. And I haven't really drawn anything since even before that. This must be remedied.

I found this "100 Drawing Challenge" online yesterday, where they have a list of 100 "themes" and you have to make a drawing of each. I think I might try that.

I have a LOT of barely-used sketchbooks from school (because teachers require you to buy a certain size and no you can't use the same one for another class and then they only give you a few assignments in each). If anyone needs/wants one, I may be able to arrange that, especially if you draw a lot. :) I looked through mine last night, and there's definitely one I favor over my other ones. It's the one I do all my tattoo designs and "fun stuff" in. Go figure. ;)

There is a time to try harder, and there is a time to just let it go.

If a girl who you honestly don't even know very well is not talking to you for more than five minutes at a time, whether through text, chat, phone, in person, whatever, and keeps coming up with excuses to not be able to hang out with you, then it's time to just let it go. Especially if this persists for a couple of weeks. Us girls are trying to let you down easy, but if you force us to cut you down, we will. Take the hint, or we might just hurt you.

Favorite song from each of some of my favorite bands:

Relient K - Deathbed
Five Iron Frenzy - On Distant Shores
Jack's Mannequin - Swim (although Caves is right up there with it)
Copeland - Kite
Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape
Showbread - Age of Reptiles
The Hush Sound - Out Through The Curtain
Tilly & the Wall - Coughing Colors
Bouncing Souls - True Believers
Less Than Jake - Look What Happened
Suburban Legends - Bright Sring Morning
Arcade Fire - Wake Up
Brave Saint Saturn - Under Bridges
Melee - The War

I can't even begin to choose which is my favorite song of Ben Folds (or Ben Folds Five), or Green Day, or Weezer...or a lot of other artists. But there ya go! Those are my favorites from those bands. Take a listen to each of those songs and you could probably learn a lot about me.

If a guy I don't really hang out with outside of church and school asks me out to a movie that he is paying for...is that a date?

I can't tell whether it's a friend-date, or a date-date.

Oi.

I always get attention from guys when I don't want it or I'm not prepared. And vise versa. (I never know if I spell that right) Story of my life.

Things I like to do when it's cold outside:

• wear sweaters and jeans, of course
• wear thick/comfy socks
• listen to indie/folk/jazz music (i.e. Feist or the Charlie Brown Christmas CD)
• eat or drink anything pumpkin flavored (i.e. Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from 7-Eleven)
• have a bonfire or use the fireplace
• shop at The Avenues
• go for a walk
• hold hands and/or snuggle
• have a BBQ
• curl up in my Sara-cave and watch movies (company welcome, of course!)
• burn incense in my room
• carve pumpkins
• play/watch football

What about you guys? :)

I'm having a hard time seeing the good in myself lately. :-\

Dear India,

I would like my sister back now.


kthanxbye.

I can't wait for rental season to be over. Granted, I like the extra money it brings in, but I always get so exhausted. And I have very little time to do my homework, which stresses me out.

Movie night this Friday. Hoping it won't be a dud. So far, not so good. Apparently everyone decided to go out of town at the same time. Or work at the same time. Boo. I call shenanigans.

Got a haircut today. I looooooove getting my hair cut. It always feels so awesome. It looks good, too. :) Nothing major, just more layers and such.

Anyway, not much going on since I'm so busy with work. I gotta go to sleep. I'm pooped. Peace.

My impatience is getting in the way of me enjoying life! The little things! All the little moments! I need to learn to be content with the way things are right now!

So far so good with school this semester. Online classes pretty much rule. Definitely my style. Lovin' it so far. AND I'm pretty much set until Monday on all of my online work which means I can enjoy the weekend. I just have a little bit to do for Motion Picture Appreciation, but I will have plenty of time to do that on Friday. As for tonight, I am celebrating! Deena and I are going to a movie since it's her last day in town.

I got an e-mail from Katie today which is the first she has been able to contact me in over a week. I was SOOOOOOOOO happy when I saw her name in my inbox. You have no idea. I miss that girl so freakin' much.

She gets to call me on our birthday. :) Best present ever.

Okay, battery's about to die. I'ma go.

My intestines make me sad. :(

Sometimes I feel like I'm just running around a mine field with a blindfold on, and it's only a matter of time before I get myself blown up.

I have no effing clue what I want to do with my life. I'm not good at one particular thing. There isn't any ONE thing that could make me happy. I feel like I could go in a million different directions, but I'm afraid of choosing the wrong thing. I wish I had some sort of direction in my life, but I don't. I just feel like I'm spinning my tires in the mud, so to speak. I've got all of these ideas and dreams, but I'm not doing anything. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing or another and it doesn't seem like any opportunities are just opening up for me either. I'm not making progress in any way right now and it's frustrating me to no end.

I found this beautiful song today that I've fallen absolutely in love with. I really identified with it, so it just makes it that much of a deeper connection. Here are the lyrics. <3

 

Chorus:
Can anyone tell me how,
How we learn to live with ourselves?
I've been forgiven things only God knows
But I can't forgive myself
And after all of my searching I found who I am
And it's not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken
Come save me from this hell

The earth falls asleep much too early for me
And I close my eyes but I can't rest
My body is tired, my mind is running
From the past, to the east, to the west
Trying to find the blame
That You've already taken from me

(Chorus)

I'm convinced that the world that we see
Is a curtain behind which vast realms await us
Of uncharted marvels and oceans of mercy
Inside my Father's eyes
And the mountains are grandstands
That sheets of blue skies rest upon
Peeled back with ease by Your hands
To reveal a quarry I've never dreamed...

(Chorus)

I want to take all the things I've done
The people I've hurt
Get what I deserve
But You won't let me
No, You won't let me
My hope is in the unseen
My hope is in the unseen

My hope is in the unseen
'Cause I see no nope in me

"The Earth Falls Asleep" by Abandon Kansas

I've decided that I'm okay with just doing school and The Horn Section this semester. Obviously I'm not going to turn down a better opportunity if it arises and I can make it work, but I'm okay if it doesn't come up. I'm sure I will enjoy this semester either way.

If I just stay at The Horn Section and don't get a second job, then at least I will have plenty of free time to keep up with school and still be able to hang out with friends. And on the other hand, if I get another job with more hours, then I will be able to start saving and looking for a car and eventually an apartment. So either way it can be cool and I can make it work. I shouldn't kill myself stressing over everything like I have been.

I need to just take it one. day. at. a. time.

I hung out with Kristin on Wednesday and we had a really good, super-long talk. One of those conversations that touches on a ton of topics and just sort of keeps running on.

I guess her and I have been going through similar things "spiritually" recently. We both sort of had our beliefs and lives jilted by relationships, as much as neither of us wanted to admit it. Then we didn't want to be fake and pretend like our ideas hadn't changed and that we were still the same Christians we had been. So we took a huge step back from Christianity.

The best way I could explain it was that up until my first serious break-up, I had this overwhelming sense that there was just a certain order to things. That if you really felt something in your heart and your gut and you really believed in it and had faith in it, then it had to be true. It had to happen. It had to work out. So I didn't understand when that first serious relationship ended. How could something that felt so right to me just get shattered to pieces? I couldn't understand why God would put someone in my life like that and then just when I seemed to be making progress and developing some serious feelings for them, He would rip them right out. It didn't make sense. It made more sense for us to stay together than for us to split up, because that just completely derailed me. And it shattered that belief that things always worked out for the best. I just couldn't believe that after it happened. So my view of the world and of life itself completely changed, and I wasn't sure what to think about God or Christianity.

Now, a little over a year later, I realize that us breaking up really was the best thing that could have happened then. There was a lot of crappy stuff that went down, but overall, I learned a lot and became a much stronger person. And it caused me to take a serious look at my "faith" or lack thereof. I wouldn't have made that progress if we had stayed together any longer. Things would have inevitably ended, and probably pretty badly for me. As it was, I came out hurt, but pretty much unscathed. I wouldn't have become the person I am now if it hadn't happened, and I feel like I've grown a lot.

I still struggle with much of the same problems, but now I have a totally new perspective and awareness of those problems. Those areas I need to work on.

Also, I realized that I wasn't so much fed up with God and faith and all that...I was fed up with religion. I was tired of getting sucked into the idea of this cookie-cutter way to be a Christian. The true definition of a Christian is someone who is a "little Christ" and as far as I can tell, Jesus didn't exactly fit into the typical Christian mold that unfortunately we seem to have formed. He wasn't politically correct, he didn't hang out with the clean-cut people and no one else. He loved recklessly, he got his hands dirty, he didn't please everyone, he didn't try to fit in, he stood out even when people told him it was the wrong way. He didn't like religion by society's standards. He cares more about the heart and motivation than the deeds. He doesn't care about money. He doesn't need money! He just cares that we are willing to give it up for Him without reservation. That we care more about Him than money. It's the same with sacrifices. Oxes don't save you or get you into Heaven. FAITH and trust in the Lord does.

I'm not saying that my church or any church caused me to get sucked into the cookie-cutter mentality, it's more a society thing. Society likes to tie up certain ways of life with a neat little bow, and so we sometimes fall into accepting its definition of Christians and Christianity because we are bombarded with it so often.  

Bright Futures got cut so my tuition is no longer covered 100%. Blah. So much for saving toooooons of money. I am gonna rent my textbooks this semester, though, so that should help a little bit. And I only need three, even though I'm taking 5 classes. Speaking of which, I really hope I can handle them, especially since two of them are online, which I've never done before. I'm kind of nervous.

HOWEVER, I am getting fed up with worrying about all of this other stuff so I'm pretty gung-ho about focusing like mad on school. So that's good. Not to mention I really get into school when I have nobody to really hang out with on a regular basis, which I won't once all of my close friends leave again. Not exactly looking forward to that, though.

I really hope this stuff with Impulse works out. I still have yet to get a call from or get ahold of Abe, though, which is kind of frustrating. It's painfully obvious how bad they need an assistant/receptionist. But yeah, if I could just get this job, I'd be set and I wouldn't have to worry about school or anything. It would be a full-time job in the area I want to go into. Therefore, I could take as much time as I want with school or even just stop. I mean, it's a job I think I could be happy at for the rest of my life if I don't become a tattoo artist, and it beats most people's day jobs. I mean let's face it, I'm probably not going to become a professional artist or illustrator and even if I did, it's not exactly a steady paycheck. I'd love to be an assistant/receptionist in a tattoo shop.

PLUS, being a full-time job, I would finally be able to handle moving out on my own. Which I have been DYING to do. Soooo yeah. That would just be sososososo awesome if I could just get this job.

I guess I've just been getting freaked out about my future and stuff lately. It's hard for someone who doesn't care so much about having a career but cares more about having a good family. Which, obviously, is a long ways away.

Anyway, end rant.